Approach
Rather than formally interviewing, we asked six mother/son couples to sit casually round their kitchen table and tell us their story. Just one question was enough to kick-start the conversation: think back to your moment of coming-out, when and where it happened, what details can you remember, and tell each other. There was as little interruption as possible; except for the odd comment from us, the mothers and their sons directed the flow of the film themselves. No interviewer to distract them.
Mothers and sons
We stayed with just mothers and sons, partly because we ourselves are mother and son, but also because mothers are usually better able to put their feelings into words than fathers.
Understanding mothers
In the book ‘Do homos have parents?’ (‘Hebben homo’s ouders? - 1986) Geerlof and Tielman state that the reactions of parents can vary greatly. Their child’s homosexuality can be:
- rejected, and all contact broken off, temporarily or permanently
- accepted, and time is needed to get used to the situation
- embraced, because it is an acknowledgement of what they knew all along.
We discovered that the definite ‘rejecters’ ultimately did not want to be filmed. Those in the second and third category can be recognized in this documentary.
Finding couples
We contacted gay sons and their mothers from within our own social network, looking for couples who would fit our profile, i.e. those who would be able to have a thoughtful, open and honest conversation, and put their thoughts into perspective.
In the beginning it was not easy to find such couples. Both son and mother had to be prepared to speak in front of three cameras, knowing their conversation could go into the public domain. Some hesitated, but eventually as found more couples than we needed.
We limited ourselves to six mother/son couples from different backgrounds and ranging in age from 22 to 59 (sons) and 48 to 91 (mothers).
We were moved by the trust and friendly welcome we received when we – complete strangers – came to their home and re-arranged the whole room to set up the film equipment. A heart-warming experience.